You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
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I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]