[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
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The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
🚲+physics = winner
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?