To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
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wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.