Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
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I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Good advice.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
(by @ZachWeiner )
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
still the best tweet of the year by far