Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
You Might Also Like
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
😜
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.