7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
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little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.