Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
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Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.