[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I only eat vegetarians.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*