My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
You Might Also Like
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Y’all ready for this
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”