How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.