pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
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As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Wake me when AI does housework
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.