As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
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Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.