Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
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i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
In space, no one can hear…
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?