Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
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Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
The symmetry is uncanny.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face