Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
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I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Netflix and awkward silence?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*