Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
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Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?