Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
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Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!