me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
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Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father