[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
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Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Why am I like this?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.