*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
You Might Also Like
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.