*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
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Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
doing some research
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.