Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
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HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.