bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
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Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.