I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
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No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time