There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
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Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.