Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
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I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Cha-ching is my safe word
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.