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My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Oh hi lol
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW