me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
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Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
When someone trying to leave me
🤣
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My five year plan is a meteorite
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Feels
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer