It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie