Unsolicited sandwich pics.
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Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Krampus.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Stop.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Um … Hot Wings please
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*