All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
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Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Pikachu found the lost joint
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.