my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
the council will decide your fate
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Husband of the year 😂
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Perfect.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet