Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!