*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
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Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called