DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
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WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”