It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
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Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
same bro
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
how much for the angry fruit?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen