LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
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[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
my name if I was in the mob
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.