Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
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Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Seems legit
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production