You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
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*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Cause of death: Zumba
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.