From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
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Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Breaking news:
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.