The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
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The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.