I have written yet another poem about laundry
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Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.