We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
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I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Me, in DM rooms…
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left