Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
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The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
*pronounces fake like saké*
They did not think through this water fountain
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it