“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
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If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Look at this
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.