My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
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[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰