[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
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Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
The old gods are rising again.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.