I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
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Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.