Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
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no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?