NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
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Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
When the stylist spins you back around
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it